Follow me into the Rabbit hole

i don’t know how or why the world has suddenly stopped being an asshole to me, but i’m not going to jinx it.

my entire life has done a 360 in the last four days.

i’ve opened up my feelings and shared my thoughts.

i’ve received some very positive feedback.

i’m looking good and feeling better about myself.
(thank you new purchases from victoria’s secret…your secret is safe with me and my padded bra.)
(i’ve also gained some pounds but can’t quite locate where it has been distributed.  i’m at a healthy weight now!)

and i’m not gloomy over the little things anymore.

the boyfriend and i have (somewhat) intelligent conversations.

and i talked with the friend about the July date.
(we’re all set!  there was no reason to go all psycho after all.)

this new positive me is affecting everyone around me, too.

i’m invited to spend time with some good friends for independence day weekend.
(woo-hoo!  a mini-vacation away from home.)

i haven’t had to cook all week bc family has provided delicious leftovers.
(my kitchen looks like a tornado wreaked havoc.  YIKES.)

little man isn’t so eager to run into the arms of someone else at every turn bc life at home has become a little less frazzled.
(he’s still spending a little too much time in front of the television, but he makes his appearances to give me the best hugs unexpectedly.)

and i actually found my bedroom floor last  night bc i was in the mood to clean.
(tonight, the kitchen will feel my wrath.)

i’m going to ride this out for as long as possible.  and do my best to keep up the positivity.

no jinxes allowed!

could it be?

in less than 24 hours i have been bitten by the happiness bug.

date night with the bf last night was nice.

we watched Star Trek (yea…we’re late to see “new” movies bc he doesn’t like going to the theater and being cramped for 2 hrs plus) and cuddled with one another.

he wasn’t that interested in the movie.  (not a trekkie fan…psh. whatever!)  but he sat and watched it with me bc he knew that would make me happy.

we also had a chance to chat.

we compromised on plans for fourth of july weekend.  unfortunately, some people will not be graced with our presence but we will have a good time with some good friends.

and then the conversation turned sour…

i brought up something that was really bothering me.

specifically, a date in july.

i’m so looking forward to this date bc there are fantastic events planned and i’ll be with my most favorite girls.
well, minus one.

and that’s the kicker.

i feel like a selfish bitch (and i’ve been beating myself up over it) to try to convince this girly to hang out.

now i know i can’t expect everyone to throw other plans aside and focus solely on me, but in the same respect, i do it without a second thought for ANYONE who asks.

so the bf tells me, “just tell her how you feel. she will understand your feelings.”
straight and to the point, huh?

well, i thought about it.

and i felt really good letting this all out and getting some therapy from him.  (i need to share my feelings more openly.)

but i woke up this morning with a nervous twitch.  how do i confront her with my feelings?  how do i come off asking her attendance to this event without sounding bitchy and forceful?

i needed some more therapy!  i texted the bf while waiting for the train.  he told me, “stay strong.  she loves you.  you may not sway her decision to join the event, but at least you tried to explain your feelings.”

another happy moment.  i felt good.  i hope this feeling will continue when i see her later.

otherwise, i may cancel the whole damn thing.

i must be hanging with the wrong crowd since i’m constantly feeling like the whole world has turned its back on me.  there’s a dark cloud following my every footstep.

i try to be a happy person.  but that’s the whole problem; i’m not positive every day.  i wake up most mornings fighting to get through the day and maintain a happy outlook.

i’m not exactly sure why i’m experiencing this feeling.  i have everything i want/need.

there are some perks i would certainly enjoy in life, but i don’t ever count on receiving them.

take for instance, my friends.

i’d like to be able to depend on my friends.  unfortunately, i can’t.  but whenever someone needs me, i run to their side supporting them with everything i have to give.

another perk i’d like to enjoy, the boyfriend to be focused on our relationship.

we have experienced some good times recently.  we have “date night” every monday and i REALLY look forward to it.  unfortunately, i still don’t think i’m number one on his list.

there are other cases that could be listed but i don’t have the time or patience to explain each one.

i feel like sometimes i give up on myself.  perhaps that’s when i turn victim to other’s demands?

i’ve gone through the process of standing tall against the world.  ignoring those around me.  focusing on what’s important.

in the end, i return to this same point.

the rollercoaster is set on auto-pilot.

i’ve reached the top of the incline.  the fall is ahead…

it’s been awhile. (and oh, that song puts me in a mood.)

while away from blogging (haha, like i’m some routine blogger…) i’ve been working to make my life more positive.

::GASP!::

yes, it’s true.

i normally use my blog as a venting post.

where else am i allowed to spit venom about the people i love to hate?

but i have to say, i’m not all gloom and doom anymore ladies and gentlemen.

nope. i’m taking a stand on wiping away the negativity.

this started after finally talking with my mother about the boyfriend.

he means a lot to me.  of course, he also pisses me off more than anyone else in this entire universe.  (i’ve checked. i even traveled to a galaxy far, far away and returned to find out this asshole is the one i want to be with for the rest of my life.)

we’ve been through so much torment from each other and outside parties that we’ve built this wall between ourselves.  our communication is broken.

i keep things to myself bc of the problems i tend to cause.  i guess i’m a magnet for drama.  (EEK!)  thus, many things go unsaid and tend to pile high until they collapse bc i’m just not strong enough to hold it in any longer.

THAT is bull-honky.

only it’s taken this long to finally realize this truth.  so many arguments and silent nights spent fuming over communication errors.

so…i’m gonna make a change.  ::finger snap::

i don’t expect this to be a miracle and happen overnight, but i have seen a difference in the past month.

it’s hard to break a habit.  but i’m working on it…slowly.

and i have to say, i’m finally happy.  i thought i was happy before.

NOW i know how it feels to be truly happy.

i have set up new routines at home.

and so far, i’ve only slacked a bit…but the following day, i get right back up and start again, full force.

no more negative nancy.  but i’m sure as hell not positive polly, bc that bitch wears pleather and we all know the effects of chaffing.

i’m a happy in-betweener wiener.  (hmm…that doesn’t sound all that fun either! i don’t like sharing.)

how about a middle-of-the-road mildred?

gah…who knew this could be so hard?

ahhh, i’ve got it!

a sexy bitch.

bullets, bc they’re fun (yea, i mean the vibrating ones.)

• i sing…in the shower (as loud as humanly possible and as off-key as possible, too.)
• i pee…in the shower (and i know some ppl find this disgusting so i only pee in my own shower.)
• i dance…in the shower (quite difficult after soap bubbles accumulate on slippery bathtub floor.)
• i cry…in the shower (makes for a very dramatic scene, but the clean up is real easy.)
• i have sex…in the shower (again, clean up is real easy.)
• i have revelations…in the shower (oh…that’s what i forgot to do earlier!)
• i make life’s most complicated decisions…in the shower.

my shower has been my go-to for washing, venting, and a quick escape from life.

i’ve had many deep conversations (with myself, of course) while in the shower.  now, i know this is completely psychotic, but i play out conversations with people in my head.  i come up with some topic and assume what the other person will have to say about it.

crazy? nut-job? ready for the white-coat? yep…lock me up.

i’ve been doing it for so long that it comes naturally now.

but i’m stuck at a crossroads and my shower isn’t being very supportive lately.
maybe the hot water is running low to quickly? i don’t know…

the story without the guts and glory: my mother has recently cut me out of her life.

(i’m going to save you from the dramatic interlude here.)

she doesn’t like my boyfriend and i think the underlying reason is bc she’s jealous that i don’t spend every waking moment tending to her needs and wants.  she claims she doesn’t hate him, but she surely doesn’t show any signs of accepting him as the person i love.

now don’t get me wrong, my bf has had some douche-bag lessons he’s carefully mastered, but our relationship wasn’t built on anything substantial and we’ve been together for FOUR years.

the one thing we needed to work on was communication.  and it was a big problem for me.  number one, bc of my issues with talking with myself.  i believe i’ve already had the conversation (i don’t believe in repetition unless you are a child or animal); or number two, i don’t want to talk about something that may lead to unnecessary arguments.  (i’m a lover, not a fighter.)

i’ve recently opened my mouth and made some sort of effort to communicate with the bf.  and guess what??  we are smooth sailing.  no rough spots.  when something needs to be said, it comes out.  nothing more to hide.  thus, my relationship is the best it has been since we started dating.

so why isn’t my mother happy for me?  why does she continue to abandon me when i will not make her my number one in my life?  obviously, my little boy is number one and the love of my life is a close second.

to back-pedal a little bit…my relationship with my mother has always been rocky.

we’ve had our ins and outs.  lots of miles between us for YEARS.  but when i moved up here to be close to her, i wanted a mother i could depend on.  someone to love me for who i am.

doesn’t somebody have at least one person they can count on in their life?  usually that one person is a parent or a close friend.  well, my friends have their own lives to live and my family, well that’s just a big gaping hole.  my one confidant is my shower.

and my water bill is through the roof.